Author: <lj user="shinx_kai">
Warnings: Yaoi, sad ending
Pairings: ??/Kai (You may substitute your own character inside, but for me it’s Reita ^_^)
Summary: It’s been years waiting for you. Do you still remember my birthday? Hope you do. I really miss you. But you’re no longer here.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters. Only the story plot belongs to me.
Comments: I write fanfic every year for our dear Kai-chan’s birthday. Usually it’s funny story. But I don’t know why I wrote this for 2013 XD
I stared at the clock hanging on the wall, counting down. The date which I’m allowed to do whatever I wish, isn’t it?
It’s lucky to have a few friends who’d send you messages when it turned to twelve. At least I’m not the one doing this. The mobile turned to vibration mode was kept shivering on the desk, I took a glimpse on it. A call from an aggressive female colleague.
I ignored it, planning to make an excuse that I’m already fallen asleep the day I returned to work.
Just wait for a few more minutes. Guess he just has too much to do and can’t grab even a little time for me?
No. Maybe I would receive his missed calls tomorrow morning if I go to bed now.
Having experienced too much night, looking forward, expecting, but finally disappointed.
But if it were you, it must be different, right?
From those... who has forgotten about me.
In fact it’s just one single point on the calender, yet it weighs so much in some people’s heart. Birthday is just an ordinary day to others. No one even knows if you don’t mention it.
It’s another dull dawn I could say. Letters from far far away in the postbox. My friends, you’re all scattered over the world. It’s just me who stay in the original place. We were once so close but now parted so far from each other.
The same question is asked coincidentally in all the letters: Are you still waiting for a miracle?
I smiled and said nothing. I put all the letters into the chest on the top of the wardrobe. It’s nearly full of the evidence I still stay in you guys’ hearts.
I went out in a windcheater. The north wind was already quite strong, reminding me that winter is coming. I tightened my collar, walking on the asphalt road where few passers-by could be captured.
Have been staying in this small town for such a long time, I’m starting to forget how busy I was when we were still in the bustling metropolis.
I feel not working today... Shirking for once will be forgiven, right?
I heard you call my name. I looked back, falling into a warm embrace.
You’re always so comforting. You’re plainly thin, but you have these broad shoulders which I may rely on. When your arms are wrapped around my waist, I would fell like winning the whole world.
You murmured by my ears. Why not leave when there’s no one understanding us?
-Leave? Where are we going?
-To our future, of course. No longer be butted in, just the two of us, never parting.
That afternoon in autumn many years ago, I brought some light luggages, my passport and a little money and bet my life.
In that simply decorated carriage, you held me in your arms, whispering “Happy Birthday” to me ears. It was the best present I’ve ever received. I kissed you with ardor, letting the one I love take me.
We still have much time to squander.
We were both panting by each other’s side, sharing passionate kisses in tears.
We’re eventually together.
I turned off the mobile and bought a medium size chocolate cake. I sat on a bench in the park watching the gossiping housewives passed by and the young couples who played truant for a date.
I opened the exquisite packaging and took out the cake. Taste of the chocolate has never changed.
But again there’s no candle for this year... I showed a wry smile.
It has been repeating year by year. You’re not here yet. No one dotes on me. I have to treat myself better.
The fountain behind sometimes dropped a drip or two onto my neck. Just like your lips. Hovering in the air, the fallen leaf finally landed on my shoulder. I recalled your hair, and your head pillowed on my chest.
I laughed. Stop acting like a spoiled kid when you’re already in such an age! It’s because I act like your mother? Go to hell.
I couldn’t tell when I’ve finished the whole cake. It’s just a repeating scene that could be seen every year.
I could just remember I was crying, frowning and holding my swollen belly.
I have never told my pain.
I can feel that you love me, with my whole body. Maybe it’s the only way for young people to express their love. Life was once tough. We didn’t even have extra time and money for entertainment after work. It was just your face that I reposed after a long day of work.
Also, making love in that bed.
You were like a lion that never got tired, but I didn’t mind being hurt by you. It was on day you told me, if you were no longer by my side, I have to forget you and continue my life.
I didn’t answer but loosened my arms round your body.
It’s just a blockhead like me who believe in eternity.
It was too late to tell you that I can’t. I have never loved somebody so wholeheartedly as the way I do to you. Evey though you didn’t make any promises, I’ve supposed you to be the one.
I just... can’t be engaged in any new relationship.
If you really want to leave, you’re taking my soul with you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
In that night of void, under the dazzling light of the candle, you mumbled by my ears.
No one can separate us.
I burst into tears.
Maybe I could see it as a pledge.
They told me to make a choice.
I asked them for time for consideration. And ten years passed with it. Up till now, I’m still confused whether I was lack of abilities of rational thinking, or was simply temporizing.
Didn’t you tell me that wishes would come true if I prayed sincerely in front of the candles with my eyes closed on my birthday? Why did I just believe in the words that used to deceive little kids?
You’re gone. No one here to tell me how to distinguish real from fake, right from wrong.
What am I living for? At the time when the purpose of life has already disappeared.
We didn’t spend much time together. But that’s already enough for me to engrave for my whole life.
I liked the way you licked my skin. Your urgent needs gave me a strong sense of existence.
Because I believed you’d be the one who cry on my funeral.
And that’s already enough.
To me, it’s much more precious than those lasts but eventually deteriorates.
We once valued each other. That’s a relationship that many people long for but are not able to get.
I remember you loved me.
I remember you thanked for my birth on one of my birthdays.
I remember the warmth when you embraced me.
And that’s already enough.
Although it was not yet winter, days have already been short. I touched the shutted device in my pocket, I realized that it’s been years that I hide my whereabouts on my birthday.
Since you’re not with me, I no longer care if there is anyone accompanying or not. I just don’t want to show others that I’m far more unrelieved than they imagined.
I have to live happily, don’t I? Oh no, it was just your wishful thinking.
I can’t do that. I can’t wipe away all my memories. I can’t pretend that we’ve never met.
Once I close my eyes, I’m kept being reminded how much I love you. Your figure is always so clear in my dream. You held my hand, as the way I massaged your digits while you were asleep.
Did you really go far? Letting your consciousness die in that moment. Do you really not coming back? Despite of the fact that I’m waiting here for you? You said I’m your only love? Don’t you care about me anymore? Be back and tell me the answer!
You are still in this world. You are still breathing the same air as I do. But you’ll take no more glance on me. You won’t hug me anymore. And you won’t let me feel your arousal.
You executed me. You left me with a little hope, watching me struggle and put me to death. I can’t even see an end. I can’t reach the other world to seek your former tenderness.
You were once a part of my body, but now I’m dismembered by you. Ruthless as a killer.
Tell me a reason. Why can’t you ever give me a single response?
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you so damn much.
Why did we have that uncompromising courage? We’ve abandoned everything. Does love have such a great power?
I’m no longer young. I’ve already passed that unrestrained stage that allows me to behave according to my will. Every time when I see the wrinkles coming from the angle of my eye in the reflection of the mirror, it just saddens me and nearly makes me burst into tears
But you still look the same as the past. Years didn’t leave any mark on your face. You are still the guy who travelled all over our country with me. You’re still the juvenile who kissed me under the variegated neon light.
But we’ve both grown older, right?
We can no longer return, right?
It’s lonely to sit under the tree, thinking about the past. Especially the one is waiting for an unreachable kiss on the cheek.
Why were you so callous?
Do you really believe that I can get through it alone? Do you really understand me?
I’d rather walk on this path that leads to no future.
I don’t want to forget you.
I know it’s violating the rule of the hospital, but I just can’t force myself to be hard-hearted. Every year on 28th October, I would make an exception for him and let him stay until midnight.
He’s really preserving. In my experience of the past twenty years, there were no such a guy who would come regularly visiting a patient that’s not believed to recover.
Persistent Vegetative State.
He’s still alive. But he can no longer move or talk and just lay on the bed as a doll.
He held his hand, which might go atrophic anytime, sitting beside the bed and talked continuously with his pleasing voice. Although I couldn’t hear the content due to the distance between us, I can tell from his facial expression that they must be the sweetest words in the world.
He usually whimpers while he’s still in the middle of his speech, bending down to kiss his lover who can’t give him any response.
I’ve once asked him. Do you really want to wait for him even though the possibility of him reviving is smaller than 1%?
I know it’s unfair to measure life using worthiness. But looking at the one who lives being tortured is not what a doctor want to see. It was me who saved his life after all.
Two people in the car crash, one person awoke.
It’s the fact he’s been told when he opened his eyes.
-Do you really not giving up? You had better take the worst extent into consideration.
He still insisted. I really appreciate him.
He always left punctually at twelve. However, lingered and kept turning back.
-Leaving? Good night.
I was never stingy to smile for him, though I seldom got any rewards. I guess he must look good if he smiles.
A few dim lights decorating the dark corridor. His silhouette got further and further until it was finally out of sight.
I think I’ve heard that it’s your birthday today?
I love the way you caress my palm. I wanted to hold you tight and send your lovely hand to my lips. But I couldn’t even control my body.
You thought I couldn’t hear? Yes I could. I know everything that’s happening to you.
Therefore, please don’t sob by my ears anymore. You make my hate myself more.
I want to stay by your side. I want to be your refuge and shelter. I want to let you know I’m here to provide you with my arms whenever you need them.
But I can’t.
I can’t even open my eyes.
I can only listen to the voice of you, feeling the bone-chilling coldness of the air-conditioning, enduring the heart-breaking pain but can’t give you any comfort.
You know I love you, don’t you?
You know I’ve never forgot your birthday, don’t you?
You know I’m waiting for the 28th October every year just to get you by my bed, don’t you?
Please smile for yourself. It’s your birthday today.
Forgive me for my selfishness. I knew you can’t do that.
Because if it were me, I can never dump you out of my brain and live my own new life.
But at least it soothes my heart for saying that.
I love you.
I really love you.
Happy Birthday, Kai.